Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Super-Mega-Ultra-Retarded Snake

OK SciFi, we get it. You love giant snakes. I understand. I love giant snakes too. Well, not those kind of giant snakes... Anyway, I think that we need to have an intervention for the SciFi channel.

I have seen interventions on TV (OK I have seen commercials for interventions on TV, it's almost the same), and I think we can do it. True, those shows are about trailer-park folk in need of a bath that does not involve either gin or heroine, but seriously can you think of a better candidate in Science Fiction (besides Harlan Ellison, I doubt we could stage an intervention on his ego-abuse)? We need to lock the SciFi channel in a room with a bunch of really annoying fans and tell it how much we love it, but it has to quit.

For those confused by why I am making this bold plan, you have obviously not seen the commercials for the stunning cinematic masterpiece that is MEGA SNAKE! Seriously, that is the title. Watching the commercials it seems like a cross between the Anaconda movie and Gremlins since apparently if you feed snakes live food, they turn into 50 foot long monsters. I think I saw that on Wikipedia, so it must be true.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

This is brilliant: we cannot get people to take Masters of Science Fiction (the recent and brief short form adaptations of classic works of SF) seriously, so let's try another snake movie. Hey, you know what would make this film even better Lance Henrickson, he's not doing anything since Millennium went off the air. It will be like Sasquatch Mountain only with snakes! This entire thought process hurts my brains.

I remember a time when there were actual science fiction stories that did not need a giant snake (or komodo dragon, or manticore, or minotaur, or hydra, or (dare I say it) slavering monster). I remember when there was actual science in these films. I remember when the SciFi channel showed SciFi movies, and not horror movies (oh, and wrestling, let's not forget the wrestling).

SciFi channel: We love you. Stop the madness. Bring back Harry Dresden. Bring back Farscape. Bring back anything, just please enough of the monster flicks!

2 comments:

Todd said...

Oh, gods, my mascara is running. So upset!

robustyoungsoul said...

I think that whenever the CGI guys at SciFi get their hands on a new animated creature, they just make as many movies using that creature as possible.

Right now they're working the snake.

That sounded dirty.